Letting go
You were there in front of me…
And I was missing you already
I was gazing at you
Couldn’t keep my eyes off you
Going to your shirts that you hang up
At the back of the door
Smelling them
Holding your jumper in my arms
Covering my face with it and sobbing
Trying hard
Not to show you my anguish and distress
I didn’t want to wash your clothes
I wanted to keep your scent… around
Holding on to your glasses
Kissing them… looking through them
Longing to see your eyes… behind
People kept telling me
"Don’t worry
It’s a routine operation"
We’d come through it
Seventeen years before, but
Deep… deep down
In the bottom of my soul
I knew…
I used to pray, pleading
"Please God let my feelings be wrong"
One week before the operation
We went to hospital for final tests
When we came back
I burst into tears
Couldn’t stop
Time was getting closer
And I couldn’t face what was to come
Losing you was more than I could bear
You didn’t know what was the matter
Nobody knew… but me
But I couldn’t say anything
I cried all afternoon
You followed me
Trying to comfort me
You held me in your arms
Until I fell asleep
Do you remember?
One night before the operation
You were admitted
But you didn’t know
I’d set my mind on
Staying with you tonight
When I packed your bag
I put the little book I wrote for you
A collection of my letters,
Cards and poems
Gathered over the years
You’d never seen the book before
When the surgeon came
He talked of many things
He wanted to explain details of what’s to come
And to answer our questions
"Can I stay here tonight?" I asked
He didn’t expect that
He hesitated…
"I’ll ask the sister in-charge"…
"It’s against the regulations
But we’ll let you off tonight
Don’t ever ask for another"
"I won’t… I promise" I said
That night, we shared our last meal together
We sat and talked
Trying to encourage each other
We both put on a brave face
We prayed together
We read some Quran together
Then, I gave you the little book
Holding hands
We read our last memories together
Everything I wanted to say to you
Was there, Habeebee
In those modest words
We relived our life that night
We relived our love that night
Habeebee… do you remember?
Hand in hand
We fell asleep
You on a hospital bed
And me on an arm chair
Next to you
We surrendered to what was to come
Most beautiful night
Most peaceful night
Most tranquil night
I think we were surrounded
By angels that night
We woke up next day
Prayed together
And got ready
When they came to take you
I walked alongside your hospital bed
Towards the operation room
And there at the door
And for the last time
We looked into each other’s eyes
Into each other’s souls
Smiling
Holding our breath
Our eyes mesmerized
Our bodies frozen
Until the big white door
Separated us
Then came the waiting
Hours of agonizing pain
It felt eternal
I wanted to know what was happening
But I dreaded the phone
The surgeon had said
"Don’t worry if we don’t ring
It’s most likely good news
Only worry if we do ring you"
The phone rang
My heart stopped
"The surgeon encountered some problems"
The shaky voice from the other end announced
"He needs to see you"
Collapsing… I rushed to the car
Expecting to hear what I most feared
"Complications… beyond our expectations
I’ve done this operation thousands of times
Never seen anything like
What I’ve seen today
I’ve tried my best
We are only humans
It’s all in the hands of God now"
Two days later
They rushed you again
For an emergency surgery
That day was sooo long
Longer than my life
At night we received a phone call
The surgery was successful
But you’re still critical
Day after day
Night after night
I waited… for a miracle
That you’d pull through
Our friend Tareq
Kept ringing me
"Dear sister
Kneel down and pray
Beg for Khaled to survive
Plead for his life
Say to God
‘For the sake of all the orphans
That Khaled sponsored, looked after
And supported
Don’t let his children become orphans’ "
I tried to do just that
But couldn’t
I felt embarrassed
To ask for something
When I knew God wanted something else
I felt it was greedy to ask for more
People get a one month honeymoon
One year, two years, five years honeymoon,
I got 23 years, 6 months, and 9 days
How can I want more?
All through my life
I was constantly surrounded by love
Some people don’t experience
A fraction of the joy
That always immersed me
It was time to give now
And I knew it…
"We will not attain virtue
Unless we’re able to give
Of what we love most"
I surrendered…
I can’t show misery now
How can I?
When I was given so generously
Grant me patience
Grant me grace
Grant me dignity
Grant me serenity
Grant me ability to let go
As tender as you were
Your departure was as tender and gentle
And I was given two weeks
To help me let go… of you… Habeebee
10-02-2006
Poetry for Palestine 