Biography of an Odd-Soul


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* * *

A silent child I was

Hardly ever spoken

This girl is abnormally quiet, they whispered

She must be deaf or dumb

* * *

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* * *

In a world of my own

Mind running amok

Curious feral child

Up a fig tree, pomegranate or mulberry

Dreaming endlessly

Tantalized by a world of wonder

Bursting with questions

Dying for answers

How did it all begin?

Where is it heading?

And why?
* * *
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* * *

How many stars are there?

How come they don’t fall?

Why are shimmering?

Where do they go daytime?

What are sun and moon, doing up there?

What would we find at the edge of universe?

* * *
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* * *

Who I really am?

How come I can think?

Who is that talking inside my head,

When my lips are utterly sealed?

What am I doing here?

Where did I come from?

And most intriguing, why?

* * *
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* * *

Looking at ants, wow, I am gigantic!

From afar, the minaret is smaller than my little finger

Up a mountain, flabbergasted, O my O my

I am so tiny, the sky is so high
* * *
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* * *

Untamed child, with a stolen heart

Captured by a net, weaved of stars

A sky-gazer, fascinated by all

Every flying leaf, every passing breeze
Every living being, big or small
* * *
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* * *

My dad called me Elm, (knowledge in Arabic)

What do you want to be when you grow up

He asked one day

“A Philo-phoser”, certain, I replied

 * * *

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* * *

At school, I would turn red-jam-jelly

When spoken to, or asked a question

Hence the nickname, Nena Red cheeks
* * *

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* * *

My friends would hang around a bit, then would move on

They want to chat, play and run

I want to sit still, let my mind meander, up above the clouds

Why sky is blue? what are these fluffs scattered below?

If I stretch my hands that far, would I find out what they really are?

A silent child I was, an odd-soul

To play with, apparently was not much fun
* * *

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* * *

Teenage years didn’t change much

My friends would be chattering and giggling away

When I draw near their chats would turn to whispers

To this very day, I have no idea what was going on

I knew they mentioned boys, but for heavens sake

Why was it so funny? what were the giggles all about?

A silent child I was, an odd-soul

To include in conversations, apparently wasn’t cool
* * *
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* * *

Bothered, I was most certainly not

In fact I was relieved

Too fascinated in my world of wonder

Vast and ever expanding

With this awesomeness, who would want some silly jokes anyway

A silent child I was, an odd-soul

A dreamer living a dream

Eden hues, supreme

* * *
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“Educate or Deport”, Says Cameron


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Topography of my soul


When I was seven,
At gunpoint,
I was driven out of my homeland, Palestine
A Naksa, survivor, daughter of Nakba survivors
Eyes moist, gazing at the horizon
Fixated towards Jerusalem
Ever since
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When I was seventeen,
My family departed Libya, moved away, as did I
Leaving all my friends behind
“I will not go through this again” I thought
“No more friends, no more love, no more gain
No more loss, no more separation, no more pain”
I said to myself
999
At twenty seven,
A stranger in a strange land, London, UK
The chest of my beloved was ripped open
Valve replacement in his weary heart
Standing by his side in ICU
“Wouldn’t I wish it was me under the surgeon’s knife”
“I would cope better, if I took your place”
Anguish unbearable, legs… jelly, I fell to the floor
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At thirty seven,
Gasping for life, in a hospital bed
Embroidering hope with a phantom thread
Wavering in and out of existence
Four years in the abyss
Watching in despair
My children growing
Playing alone, dressing alone, reading alone,
Going to bed without mama’s song or bedtime story
A breathing shadow
I linger at the brim of sanity
In daunting anticipation
Dreading the relentless daily questions of my toddler
“Are you feeling better, mama? Can you give me a bath now?
Can you tell me a story yet? Can we play outside today?”
 “Does that grey colour in your hair mean you’re going to die soon, mama?”

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At forty seven,
Grieving the sudden loss of my soulmate,
Burying my beloved in a faraway graveyard
Frozen, I curl inwards,
Staring at his face fractalising, covering every spot I lay my eyes upon
Frantically I run to me
Flicking through my memories
Searching every corner of my lost mind
Exhuming my heart, tearing it apart
Chiseling the kernel of my soul with my bare hands
Maybe, just maybe, I could find Khaled’s grin again
Meet his shadow, kiss his forehead
Catch a whiff of his scent around
Or hear one of his heartbeats just one more time
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At fifty seven,
oops, not there yet !
* * *
NO… NO
Don’t get me wrong
I am not complaining, not at all
I’m merely describing the lowest points in time and space
On the map of my journey, in the canyons of my soul
* * *
The rest is magic
Swaying hills, and gushing waterfalls
Great big mountains with high altitudes
Buoyant meadows, and dancing rainbows,
Flowing rivers, pounding oceans, hymns of gratitude
Thank you Allah, Shukran ya wadoud
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What Colour is your Soul?


Someone posed a question
“What colour is your soul?”
They asked

“If you answer this questionnaire
You will find out the colour of your soul!”, they said

My soul is a rainbow, I said
No need for a questionnaire
I know

My soul is a rainbow, I said

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All shades of green
All tones of yellow
All shadows of blue
Sand and soil … grass and sky
Olive and almond … peach and plum

Flaming orange and burning red
Copper and crimson
Pink and purple
Coral and lilac
Silver and gold
Indigo and violet
Cobalt and scarlet
Aquamarine azure

My soul is a rainbow , I said

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